Friday, November 17th, 2017

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Have More Money Than You Know What to Do With?


You can wear a $25 million watch. You might assume that a watch this expensive would be fabulously beautiful and at the very least, easy to tell time with, but no, you would be wrong on both counts.  Instead, it’s over-the-top tacky. In fact, you can probably make an eensy weensy bit of your money back by taking bets on whether or not the watch is real, because most people will never believe it. It’s simply too hard for most intelligent people to reconcile the complete gaudiness with the price tag. The watch is by Chopard and has three heart-shaped diamonds (15-carat pink, 12-carat blue, 11-carat white) and 163 carats of white and yellow diamonds.



Continuing in our incredibly expensive yet strangely gaudy vein, how about a $310,000 Signature Cobra cell phone? It has a snake. A snake. And two diamonds, two emeralds and 439 rubies. However, it is just a cell phone. If you need a better phone and more bling for your buck then there is always the $1.3 million GoldVish SA’s ‘Le Million’ Piece Unique; made of 18k white gold and 20k of almost perfect diamonds. This phone features Bluetooth, 2 GB of storage, FM radio, a digital camera and MP3 playback. A fan of the iPhone? Try GoldStriker International’s $3 million 3G iPhone Supreme, dipped in 271 grams of 22k solid gold, the front boasts 136 flawless diamonds(68k), the back has 53 flawless diamonds, and the front navigation button is home to a single cut very rare diamond at 7.1k.

You may have boatloads of cash but still like to insist you are a “regular guy” and that you’re “just like the rest of us.” Or, maybe you’re a very successful drug dealer and you can’t spend that much money on things like apartments and cars because the government is watching every move you make. What are you going to do with all of your money?  How about a $481, 250 Nintendo Wii Supreme video game system? It’s coated in 2.5 kg of 22k gold, and has 78 quarter-cut diamonds (19.5 carats). This way you can be a player while you are actually playing games. It’s worth it for the bad pun ability alone.

If you’re a bit more cultured and prefer browsing the New Yorker instead of marathon Halo sessions, or, if you just want others to think you are try a subscription to Nomenus Quarterly, a folio of original or previously unpublished images by artists and photographers. Until the recession the magazine cost $2500… per issue. But, since the economic collapse, the editor and founder has raised the price to $6500 per issue and cut the print run from 50 issues to 10. Here’s the best part: the magazine is also online, for free. They even have web extras. For free. But, hey, you can go ahead and spend $26,000 a year. In fact, it’s a small price to pay to be one of the ten most pretentious people in the world.


Finally, who says you can’t buy love? For only $138,000 you can buy a white lion cub, the most expensive pet available. White lions come from recessive genes and are bred in captivity (they have a hard time staying alive, being that they’re bright white and stick out). If you’re more of a dog person, that’s ok. You can still bedazzle your bitch. For $1.8 million you can don your dog in a 52k diamond dog collar. Now that’s what they mean when they say a priceless pooch.

Don’t forget the most important thing when picking out a pretentious pet:  a baby white lion does grow up to be a big white lion.

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